


A Question of Faith

by Catsintheattic



Series: SPN Episodes Prompts - Season 1 [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Season/Series 01, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-10
Updated: 2011-04-10
Packaged: 2017-12-06 23:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/741358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catsintheattic/pseuds/Catsintheattic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam has been praying for years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Question of Faith

Sam has been praying for years. 

While still living with Dean and their dad, he prays in secret, under the covers after lights-out. When he has to share a bed with Dean, Sam curls up on his side, face toward the wall, and pulls the covers up over his ear, covering his mouth. Then, he says the words in his head, moving his lips only to accompany the never-changing litany of _Oh Lord, please take care of Dean and Dad and keep them safe when they’re hunting. Please let Mom know that I’m thinking of her. And please, if it’s not too much to ask, let us stay here for a little longer._ If only he could finish the growth factor project for his biology class before they have to move.

Later, in Stanford, Sam goes to church with Jess, including her safety in the words he sends to God and the angels. He doesn’t pray for school projects any longer, but he still prays for Dean and Dad. Even Sam can’t hold a grudge under the scrutiny of heaven.

Back in business with Dean, Jess’s death a constant hum in the background, Sam’s prayers change again. _Please, let him be all right._ runs through his mind while he clutches Dean close to his chest, checking him for wounds. And later he sends a _Thank heavens, this place has burger and pie and fruit salad with berries and we can finally take a rest._ The profound and the mundane blur together, a constant stream of silent pleas and thank-you-s. And even though he never gets an answer – but then, who does? – and the pie isn’t always fresh, Sam still believes in God.

When Sam realizes what their father has done to save Dean, when Sam can’t stop the guilt any more, can’t stop his need to say how grateful he is and how sorry, he kneels in front of the rickety bed in whatever motel room they’re staying in and prays. He has no words besides _Please_ and _Sorry_ and even with his knees hurting and tears burning at the back of his throat, he knows his remorse will never be enough.

It’s the Winchester way to repeat each other’s mistakes for whatever selfish reason, and so Dean, stupid, stubborn Dean closes another deal, and Sam is not grateful. He grits his teeth and rushes his prayers, because there is no time, no time to ask and wait for help that has never been given freely. Most of the year, between cases and research, he is too frantic to form actual words and hopes that his desperate need will register anyway. 

Dean dies and Sam goes almost crazy from the loss, no one for help but a tacky little demon bitch. Then Dean comes back, new and broken and suspicious. They stop talking, and Sam feels the power surges rattling the bars of his addiction. But he still prays. _I know I’m tainted, but please, please, I hope that at least you will understand I’m doing this for the greater good. I want to stop Lilith, the apocalypse, and Dean … he doesn’t trust … he doesn’t believe. Please, make him see, make him understand … Don’t let me fail._

Sam’s belief takes a definite downturn when he and Dean encounter the larger cast of God’s army. If Uriel and Zachariah are the employees, what does that say about their boss? Torturers and murderers, they make Castiel look more like an exception than the rule.

Down in the panic room, Sam lies abandoned but never alone. The thirst for demon blood gnaws through his veins, keeps tossing him around, body and mind. In his less addled moments, he prays for release. Neither God nor Dean listens to his prayers, but one unimportant little angel does. 

The way to hell is paved with good intentions. Sam breaks the final seal. Lucifer wants Sam, wants him so badly and tenderly and utterly willing. And Sam prays – not for power or wisdom or even support, but only for the abilty to say _No, never. That’s never going to happen._ as long as he needs to.

Then Zachariah shows Sam and Dean his own little version of their heaven, and Joshua sends them away with nothing left to hold onto. 

Sam watches Dean throw away his last shred of faith. 

Castiel beats Dean to a bloody pulp. 

They lose their brother Adam to the arch-angel Michael. 

When all options but one fall away, it gets easier to decide, though not necessarily easier to see the decision through. Sam knows he has to play his role long enough to trick the devil, that he – the tainted one – is the only one who can end Lucifer’s and Michael’s game. But he is afraid, so very afraid. Will he be able to contain the devil long enough to jump into the cage? _I’m all we have, and I don’t know if I’m enough. Please, will I be enough to save the world?_

The day before Sam says ‘yes’ to the devil, he says the last of his prayers. There is no god to listen, no angel to carry his words. He simply prays because he doesn’t know how to break the habit.

But the day after, in a run-down graveyard, in spite of everything that isn’t, from the battered face and the bleeding lips of his brother Sam receives all the answers he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt taken form Episode 1.01, The Pilot:  
>  _Sam: “I’ve never been unfaithful.” Constance: “You will be.”_
> 
> Thanks to greeneyes_fan for the fast offer to beta, to paragraphs for more thoughts on SPN, and to celta_diabolica for supporting my latest addiction with her sharp pen. I’m grateful for your input!


End file.
